August 5, 2008

standing around

waiting for what comes next.
cause i sure don't know whats next
but that's life you got to be ready
for anything.
and some how knowing that you can
get through it you push yourself
to what you can be.
loving yourself even when
it seems like nobody else does
that only you have your back
we all have those times in our life
when we would rather not get out of bed.
that laying there curled up in a ball crying your
eyes out is all you can do
you push your self one step further
cause you know you are better than that
that even if the cards you got played
are nothing more than some crappy hand
that you can win with it
because you have that strength
the strength you built over the
long hard years.
you enjoy life and deal with situations
you think you can never bring yourself
up out of.
but there is a sunny side of the situation
you have to push yourself through the
hard pouring rain,, the storm that never seems
to end
and that flood that is built up around you
just waiting to swallow you up if you'll let it
but don't you're stronger than that
you got the sun shining through your smile
and it'll dry that flood up
your laughter brings the rays
and someday
it'll be bright and sunny again
only if you make it that way

.

11/07/2011: Failure

 I wrote this long post on Halloween, the Monday after a terrible weekend. However, I chose not post it. I thought to myself "maybe I'll reread it, edit it, and maybe post it". However for the past week it has sat in my unpublished posts. And then today I decided I wasn't at all going to post it. I wrote it because I felt like I needed to explain what went through my mind, or explain how I could in my mind fail so badly.
But then I realized I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to brake down. I am allowed to feel what I really feel. I don't always have to put on a front, feel bad about not being able to control myself, or even require that I control myself at all times. I just need to do the best I can do, and not expect anything more than I am capable of giving.
Life is too short to be caught up on one failure. Or to let one failure define you.
Sometimes in failure you learn the most, or you teach others the most. I think I needed to fail that weekend, not only to teach myself that I do have limits, and sometimes I can't fulfill everything; but that

T r i a l s are life's lessons.

Sometimes I feel as if everything hits me at once. 

I remember weeks ago thinking about trials, and how I always come out of them a stronger person. And how I know of people who pray for trials. But I thought to myself, I couldn't do that. I personally don't think I would want to ask for trials... that's just asking for trouble.

However even without asking, I still receive little trials.

And it true Cami trial fashion, there are always multiple trials at once.

This week my phone got taken from my cheer gym by one of my own teammates. It ended up in the road not too far from my gym. Another teammate's mom almost ran it over and brought it back to the gym. However it was ruined, and I was clearly upset. I thought about why someone would do this, I thought who would do it. It hurt to think one of my own teammates would hate me so much that they felt the needs to take my personal property and ruin it. It angers me. A visit to my phone company and $50 later, I was able to get a replacement phone. But oh how I wish I could tell a few people off on my team, or hurt them back. But I know all they want is a reaction out of me, and you better believe I won't give them the one they want. 

I'm so over young teenagers, and can't wait to be done with cheering. As much as I love stunting, tumbling, and competing, when things such as this happen I question why I still continue to put myself through all the drama. 7 more months until this chapter of my life that I've loved so much will be over. Although it will hurt, and I'm sure I'll go through a little crisis trying to discover what my life will be like now, I know it's time to walk away.

I'm sick. So sick in fact I took the last two days off of both school and work, and just slept every moment I could. I sat three hours in urgent care yesterday morning to find out I have Bronchitis, Tracheitis, and Laryngitis. I'm tired, and sickly. But actually pretty grateful for being sick. It has given me some much needed sleep and relaxation time. Time I probably won't see again till after Christmas, and then once again in spring break, followed by nothing til summer. Ahh.

I'm not so sure I'll pass all my classes with good grades this semester. I'm actually pretty certain I won't. I'm hoping to at least pass and keep my scholarship. But only time with tell..

Ready For Change

I've never once struggled in school as much as I am now. It's not so much that I'm not smart, because I know I am. But it more has to do with my professors. This semester I have clashed with every single one of my professors that I have in person. I have to force myself to get up in the morning and go to school, even though I feel like class is a waste of my time. I'm always tired, I'm always worn thin, and I'm always frustrated.

So ready for this semester to be over. So ready for change.

Dating?

Tonight my coach told me she couldn't keep track of the men in my life. 

I laughed, and told her there are no men in my life right now.

But I knew what she was talking about.

Within the last year I've sorta, kinda, "hung out" with quiet a few guys.

But to be honest, I never keep them around for long.

Not because I don't want a boyfriend.. because I certainly would like that.

But because they aren't worth my time, and I tend to realize that quiet quickly.

I don't think I will have a boyfriend again, unless I see REAL potential in the guy.

Because quiet frankly, my time, and emotions are better spent on other things..

Like School, Work, Cheer, Friends, Family, and Adoption Advocating.

Life is good.

Christmas 1995

Today I found a holiday letter my mom wrote about 18 months prior to her death. Here's what she wrote about me..

"Cambria (Cami) is the youngest. She is 2 and will be 3 in January. She is a sweet girl. Always has a smile for everyone. Everyone wants to know if she ever stops smiling. She keeps Mom busy all day while everyone is at school. We all have fun with her."

I loved reading this. I think my Mom won't be surprised that I am the same today. Love her and miss her.